Subject: Benjamin Song’s Self-Introduction
Dear Professor Blackstone,
I am Benjamin Song Jian Ming, a student in your effective communication class and I would like to take this opportunity to introduce myself.
My interest in the field of engineering stemmed from my experiences of hearing all about different types of aircrafts and machineries. I remember being greatly curious about fighter-jets in particular. My interest in aircrafts was not about being able to fly it instead, I was eager to find out how fighter-jets work, how do the parts all work together in-sync. All through my growing up years, I often read up on the different types of components in the aircrafts. My curiosity then led me to pursue a diploma in Mechatronics Engineering with Temasek Polytechnic (TP). During my course of study in TP, I realised that my interest leaned towards the mechanical aspects of engineering hence, I decided to take up Mechanical Engineering as my major in undergraduate studies with Singapore Institute of Technology (SIT). My aspiration upon graduation is to eventually be an aircraft engineer.
I would consider being confident as one of my strengths in communication. Going through National Service, I held the appointment as an officer and was often required to speak in front of many people. Having confidence in communication is important to me, as it gives my audience the assurance that I know what I am talking about and for them to trust my decisions. On the other hand, I would consider speaking long-windedly as one of my weaknesses in communication. As I am not fluent in my English language, I find myself having to use more words to explain my thoughts, often repeating the same point many times which might cause confusion.
Something special that sets me apart is that, when I set my decision on doing something I will go all the way until I achieve it. Taking my hobby as an example, I have a passion for water sports especially dragon boating. I am 8 years into the sports and have eventually became a coach for dragon boating. I hope to work on my clarity and give better feedback, this would ensure that others can fully understand me when communicating with them.
Thank you for taking your time to read my letter, I look forward to your classes.
Best Regards,
Benjamin Song
Edited on 26/01/2022
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Hi Benjamin. Good to know that you are willing to take in feedback and I am about to give you some. For your first paragraph you should include who you are introducing to for example "introduce myself to you" and for your second paragraph, instead of "All through my growing up years," you can write "Throughout the years," to be more concise and clear. Other than that, I think that your sentence structures are well structured and all your points are very clear and elaborated. Keep up the good work!
ReplyDeleteHey Ben! Thanks for sharing your introduction. I think your letter illustrated your interests, strengths and weaknesses well. The examples makes your introduction complete. However, you didn't share more on your goals for the module. It would be cool if you can share that with us! Other than that, you introduction is good man.
ReplyDeleteHi Benjamin, I learnt a great deal about you through your introduction letter and it was a fascinating read too. When you are talking about your weakness, you said that you are not fluent in English and I would like to learn more about that. Thank you for your letter, I really enjoyed reading it. Nice work!
ReplyDeleteHi, Benjamin, it is interesting reading your introduction and it allowed me to know more about you. Really would love to see your module goal be acheived by the end of the sem and great work. Cheers
ReplyDeleteDear Benjamin,
ReplyDeleteThank you for this clear, succinct and informative letter. You do a very good job covering the various parameters of the assignment as you explain your educational background and interest in aircraft, connecting that long-held interest with your study choice. I also appreciate the way you detail your communication skills with your NS experience. It's good for your peer readers to learn about your role as an officer and the growth that you experienced and the demands of the job in terms of speaking skills and the need for you to demonstrate trustworthy decision-making.
There are a few recurring language issues in this essay that you might take note of:
1. sentence structure
-- My interest in aircrafts was not about being able to fly it instead, I was eager to find out how fighter-jets work, how do the parts all work together in-sync. > (comma splice)
My interest in aircrafts was not about being able to fly it; instead, I was eager to find out how fighter-jets work and how the parts all work together in-sync. OR My interest in aircrafts was not about being able to fly it. Instead, I was eager to find out how fighter-jets work and how the parts all work together in-sync.
-- I realised that my interest leaned towards the mechanical aspects of engineering hence, I decided to take up Mechanical Engineering as my major in undergraduate studies with Singapore Institute of Technology (SIT). > (comma splice) ?
-- I hope to work on my clarity and give better feedback, this would ensure that others can fully understand me when communicating with them. > (comma splice) ?
2. verb issues
-- I am 8 years into the sports and have eventually became... > I am 8 years into the sports and have eventually become...
Overall though this is a fine effort. I look forward to reading more from you this term.
Best wishes,
Brad